7 Phrases About the Elder Gods that the Women in Your Life are Tired of Hearing

2020 women are strong and independent and don’t wanna hear about your dark master

Like, I get it, we’ve all been 23 before, but just because you feel the rapture and ravage of an elder being permeating you doesn’t mean it’s your girlfriend’s job to be your therapist about it. Work it out on your own time, and ask her about her day once in a while.

2. “You should smile more, and you will smile forever when Slaanesh, Prince of Pleasures claimes this world.

Just. No. It’s 2020, and it’s not a woman’s job to smile for anyone, not you, not the men on the street, not the Chao-deity of mind-breaking ecstasy and pain. It doesn't matter that Slaanesh is both male and female and transcends gender, anyone can be misogynistic and telling women to smile is misogyny, plain and simple.

3. “I am the Jackal of Night! I am the one who stalks the moon! I am the dusk a’walking! I am the breath of twilight and the thief of last-breath!

UGH. Men are raised to believe that the world revolves around them, and you need to rise above that shit. We all did ‘shrooms once and felt cosmic consciousness or whatever, but the rest of us grow past it and get on with our lives. Hell, I was the Jackal of Night once or twice back in 2011, but you grow up, y’know? You can’t pay bills as the “Jackal of Night,” and if you can’t pay the bills, a 2020 woman will find someone who can.

4. “Either you give yourself, body and soul, to the lord Baphomet, or you’re not who I thought you were.

This one is harder to see, it’s more subtle, but it’s still manipulative and toxic. It’s fine to have your boundaries and deal-breakers, but if you’re pressuring the women in your life into blood rituals, you might be a manipulator. Ladies, the best way to know if this is happening to you is if the person who pressures you to hallow Baphomet always brings it up, but never goes to things you like, such as blood offerings to Dispator or Baal. Your worth isn’t defined by how the people around you view your blood sacrifice. It’s defined by how much blood you sacrifice overall ❤.

5. “A woman candidate could never secure the vassal-demon vote.

This is just bullshit. This is straight-up misogyny masquerading as concern and strategy. That’s the first problem. The second issue is that demon-vassals aren’t a monolith. They are a diverse and varied group that often splits around key issues. For example, the followers of Khorne voted overwhelmingly for George W. Bush, but swung blue in 2012. And the Slaaneshi representative from Indiana voted against drone warfare at every occasion from 2005–2014, calling drone warfare “dry and unindulgent”. This kind of language both underestimates the demonstrated appeal of women-politicians and disrespectfully flattens the identities of the followers of the Chaos Gods.

6. “Auuugh, uggggguuuhhhhh…gruuuuuuuuuhgggrrrrrrrrr…aaaaaAAAAAAAAUUUUUuuuuuugrrrrrrasdnaslsvnlawwelnwnsvlasknessssssssss.

Ummmmmm…ew. It’s just not cute to be unable to communicate in 2020. Women around you have played around enough with guys who can’t express themselves or keep secrets for their “bros” or “dark scions”. If you don’t come to the table ready and willing to talk things out, consider yourself single and without female friends until further notice ❤.

7. “You have the seed of Emrakul within you, we must destroy the child before it destroys us all!

Sigh. Say it with me: MY BODY, MY CHOICE. Abortion is such a sensitive subject, and the last thing any woman needs is another man telling her that her unborn child by The Aeons Torn, The Promised End, is a mistake, a blessing, or anything other than a conversation between her and her healthcare provider. She doesn’t need your input or pressure. Women whose wombs have been touched and maligned by the impossible one, Emrakul, already have people on every side of them telling them to keep the baby as a gift from their god, or to kill the baby for the sake of all living things, but it’s just not their business, and it’s not your business, either. ❤❤❤

I’m incredibly rich, and it’s time for me to give back. A Nerdling. America’s Premier Thot Leader. Underwater Basket Entrepreneur. twitter @dcinspo

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