Welcome, New Citizen of AMAZonia: by Bezos

Welcome, welcome, and congratulations to you, the newest citizens of AMAZonia: by Bezos, the hot new nation-state disrupting the international diplomacy market. For the rest of this keynote, simply follow along at the center of your screen. Looking away from the center will penalize you five Bezo-bucks. Also, we don’t like to call them “penalties” in AMAZonia, we like to think of it as “FUNding AMAZonia”! Looking away from the center of the screen will fun your account five times.

With all that boring stuff out of the way, again, welcome to AMAZonia, a place where technology and tax avoidance have liberated the individual, allowing you to finally be yourself. But how did we get here? Our AMAZing story began in 2023, when our founder and dynamo of Rand-ian individualism Jeffrey Preston Bezos First of His Name used his massive, throbbing intellect and a humble amount of cash to buy deforested lands in South America for 50 billion dollars. Those lands had once been a great rainforest called The AMAZon before Brazil cut them down! What a coincidence! A fated purchase indeed!

You see, our founder had a vision. He once lived in the old world: decrepit, defunct. The bridges of older, greater empires crumbled around him under the sloth of the day. There was darkness and confusion and taxes. And Bezos contemplated amid his untaxed wealth. He thought: “I could take this money, and allocate it towards making an infrastructure. I could offer other people the chance to subscribe to this infrastructure for a price. I’d give them a total yearly cost for the funds and labor required to maintain and grow the infrastructure of my business-nation. This is something completely new! I’ll call that price the “Total Allocation Exchange”, or T.A.X., and I will begin a new chapter, nay a new book in the histories of men!”

God-King Bezos then used his tireless fleets of robot drones and ingeniously energy-efficient flesh-drones to build this world of the future that you now inhabit. You are part of a grand tradition! Also, please do not feed the flesh-drones, it’s not good for them! They are far happier eating the AMAZ-MAIZE that God-King Bezos has apportioned for them. If you fed them your bread and meat and vegetables it would only make them colicky!

You may notice that all of the flesh-drones are wearing name tags that say “Alexa”. That is their legal title here in AMAZonia: by Bezos, and you can address them as such. For example, if you want to know where you can get great sushi or a craft beer nearby, you can just say “Alexa, I am bored with the weariness of the day. Be merciful and distract me,” and the closest Alexas will speed you to a video game or a delectable treat-sie for your palate! Technology sure is AMAZing!

You may ask, “Where did the Alexas come from?” What a great question. Years ago, God-King Bezos, who thinks of himself more as a problem solver than a brutal autocrat, a real can-do kinda guy, well years ago he had a digital-drone called “Alexa”. He used his “disruptive tech” to “disrupt the bodily autonomy” of these people who used to be poor people, but now they are AMAZonian flesh-drone Alexas! By using this “disruptive strategy” he was able to “disrupt labor law,” uncovering vast new kinds of labor, such as “working for 36 hours at a time” and “no bathroom breaks” and “working around your colleague’s dead body”. He really removed a lot of inefficiency from the old ways, but that’s our founder for you, a real forward-looking guy!

And before you ask, no, the Alexas are not dangerous. If any of them were to malfunction, the God-King would make a “disruptive adjustment” to their AMAZ-MAIZE rations, correcting the problem swiftly. If they malfunctioned too many times, another Alexa would “disrupt” their brains with a bat. It’s all based on the idea that disruptive tech is the way of the future! It’s allowed us to “disrupt” the laws of men and gods alike here in AMAZonia (by Bezos).

But let’s not focus for too long on the boring things, the nuts and bolts of AMAZonia; by Bezos! Let’s talk about what makes AMAZonia: by Bezos, AMAZing! Here, you can finally be free! No longer will you live in fear of being “canceled” on social media for talking about your phrenology research, or have your business “canceled” by regulators who are mad that you “poisoned the well” by literally poisoning all well water within 200 miles of your worksite. No longer will a cruel and draconian government “cancel” your hoarded wealth by taxing you in order to maintain roads and water, some of which you won’t ever drive on or drink! You’ll only ever have to pay your T.A.X. subscription yearly. Yes, this is a free land. Alexas, a round of praise for Bezos! (All flesh-drones present cheer three times for God-King Bezos in a single great voice that seems to come from everywhere and nowhere).

I’m incredibly rich, and it’s time for me to give back. A Nerdling. America’s Premier Thot Leader. Underwater Basket Entrepreneur. twitter @dcinspo

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store